
As I listened to the girls snipe at each other on the way home from school the other day, instead of allowing my blood pressure to rise, resisting the urge to insert my words into the cacophony of chaos and swirling anger, I detached. I listened. I traced the progression of hurt, fear, anger, misunderstanding. Later, as Lola set the table for dinner, a new argument erupted and I again noted the path from misinterpretation to rage and a thought began to crystallize. A question:
What if, at any point during the escalating war of words, one of my girls stopped to ask ‘why?’
- Why would she say/do something like that to me?
- Why does it bother me so much?
- Asking, “Why?” gives me the opportunity to step back from a biting remark uttered by one of my children and acknowledge that there might be a reason she is being snarky right now. It doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it does allow me to consider whether or not she has had a bad day and refrain from taking her remark as a personal slight.
- After this momentary breather, I am often able to ask “Why?” out loud which gives the other person a chance to examine their own behavior and either explain to me something I may have misunderstood or realize how it sounded. It also gives them the impression that I am willing to stay engaged in the interaction in a positive way, listening and truly trying to understand, and it often has the effect of turning the conversation around.
Such wise words. I will think about this for the rest of the day —
Sounds like you've been doing some soul-untethering!
Shared this with my daughter. Sounds like you might have some ideas for her. She has ten year old triplets and a six year old boy. She needs all the insight and help she can get in knowing how to communicate with them. Whew. Some days are a disaster at her place. Thanks for sharing this.
Blessings, Barb
I can't thank you enough for writing this post! It really made me stop and think – first about my daughters and their relationship with each other (frequently snarky!) and then on a much deeper level. "Why?" is such a simple question, yet it could easily lead to major and minor revelations.
I'll be thinking about your words for while . . . and hoping I remember to ask "Why?" much more often.
Keep up the good and insightful writing.
Dear Kari, this posting seems helpfully perceptive to me. Years ago I read something similar about listening and realized that mostly I was thinking of a response while the speaker was continuing to talk.
Consequently, I changed my listening. No long do I plan responses, and the result has been that one person after another–one friend after another–has commented, "What a good listener you are, Dee." And they seem to feel that their words and feelings are being honored. And I know that I am truly getting the words behind the words they are saying.
Peace.
loving this so much! this sentence was great: "most people listen with the intent to respond rather than the intent to understand." SO TRUE, im embarrassed to say.
oh, and i got the comment that you left for me re. CB's "walk" and your sweet support. I will send you an email from our team site with info, etc. our team on the webpage says we have raised zero dollars but that is NOT TRUE 🙂 we just collected the checks in hand and turned them in on walk day – they haven't updated our webpage yet. anyway, they collect up until december 🙂 thanks for thinking of us!