Is There a Better Way to Talk This Out?
“Use your words.”
“Can’t we discuss this?”
“How does that make you feel?”
If I had a nickel for every time I have used one of these phrases…
And of course, those phrases are pulled out of my bag when there is conflict in the house. When things are threatening to explode or have begun exploding already. But I am convinced that, as human beings, we are afraid of differing opinions and potential conflict so much that by the time we get to this point, discussion is like trying to cut a frozen cake with a plastic knife. Merely surface.
Color me guilty.
For a while now, something has been bugging me. Something about Bubba. I’ll talk to my girlfriends about it. I’ll mention it in some slight, round-the-bend, cloaked in humor or false nonchalance to him, hoping he gets the hint and suddenly decides to change his behavior. What I haven’t chosen to do is say it outright.
And all the while, I wonder. I create dialogue in my head, imagining what he would say if I said “X.” I feel like I know him pretty well after twenty-some years, so I can fill in the blanks, right? And the thing is, I am a native Idealist from the land of Idealism, which means that I want him to change because it is the Right Thing to Do, not to appease me. I want him to feel it in his heart. But I’m afraid. Afraid that he won’t care as much as I do or that he’ll somehow mock me or that he will think the entire conversation is a waste of his time, and so I keep the dialogue in my head. And the more I pretend I’m talking to him about it, the more scared I get to actually have the conversation. Because by now, I have done a lot of assuming.
So by the time I found an opportunity to have the conversation with him, I couldn’t look at him. We had gone to bed with our books, him lying on his stomach and me sitting up against the headboard, pillows propping my head and shoulders up. I looked straight forward and dove in. And I didn’t meet his eyes the entire time we talked. Even when he gave me a perfectly Bubba, absolutely authentic, thoughtful reason for behaving the way he had that caused every cell in my body to soften and round itself in recognition that this was the man I love. This compassionate, loving person who had been missing in my imaginary discussions was, in fact, here next to me, offering a scenario I couldn’t have predicted. And while he wouldn’t have prompted the conversation, he was more than willing to engage in it.
Nearly an hour later, I was left with the solid reminder that these discussions always go better in real life than they do in my head. In real life, Bubba doesn’t belittle me or mock me or refuse to deal with difficult situations. It is my fear and anticipation that creates those stumbling blocks for me.
I wonder if there is a simpler way to learn to talk about difficult issues. Talking it out is something I encourage my kids to do all the time, but I am not sure I have properly taught them how to do that. Perhaps that ought to be the next item on my to-do list.
Ahh…assumptions. The bane of true communication and communion. Perhaps I'll print this out and give it to the couples I work with.
I can make the smallest things seem like major drama blowups in my head and finally when they are discussed, it usually is smoothed over in no time at all. This is a good reminder to not let things fester….
I think because your kids have grown up doing this, the practice will make talking about difficult issues just seem like the thing to do. I'm really glad you didn't let fear win this one.
kario,
Thanks for reading and responding to my blog! I sure could relate while reading this post. Oh, those "in our head" so all assuming conversation we have are so detrimental, in so many ways! I think of all the wasted energy I've used up in these kinds of activities. And, it's so true, the real life conversation is always so much more satisfying, once we conquer the fear to plunge in, don't you agree?
I'm excited to follow your blog and glad to make this connection.
Gorgeous post Kari. I'm so glad you braved the talk, and so glad you are married to someone who makes it safe to do so.
If I never have to say "Use your words" again, it will be too soon. Great blog!
Dear Kario,
Let's hope that Deb is right and that a new generation of young people, raised perhaps with less bias, will feel more willing and accepting when talking about difficult issues. Peace, Dee
Great post!