Patience is a virtue, but so far, it isn’t one I possess. Unfortunately for me, I just happen to be hard-wired to make decisions only after I sleep on them for a while. I have learned, on some occasions quite painfully, that when I make quick decisions about big things, I often regret my choice. There are people (my husband and Eve, for example) who can check in with their gut and know almost instantaneously what they ought to do. I am not one of those people.

For a few months now I have been trying to define my next steps. The girls are getting increasingly independent and I am getting restless, looking for something more substantial to do besides freelance writing here and there.  I put the word out to some trusted allies this summer and have begun scouring the internet for volunteer and job opportunities that might fit my passions. On several occasions, I have been tempted to apply for positions with organizations I admire, despite the fact that the position itself is not quite right. Either the hours are wrong or I know I would be bored in a few months, or the organization does great work but it doesn’t light a fire in my belly.  Thus far, I have resisted, hoping (but not really knowing deep down) that the right thing will present itself.

This week, one of the folks who knows I’m looking forwarded a job posting to me, noting that it was full time (which I don’t really want because I still want to attend the girls’ sporting events and be flexible for their school days off), but that it was a local non-profit we both know and love and I would be very qualified for the position.  I read through the job announcement a few times, getting excited because it is a job I know I could do.  And yet.  There was something. If I’m being totally honest (and a little bit woo woo), I have to say that all of that excitement was lighting up the left side of my brain. I actually felt as though my head was listing to the left – no kidding. I put off applying for the job and emailed Bubba to see what he thought about it.  Before I received a response from him, I headed to a gathering of women who are going to a leadership retreat together in October and pretty quickly, I found myself talking to two of the women there about this job. They both know the organization and the folks who work there and, more importantly, they know me, so I asked what they thought.  Within moments, I realized that I had spent most of the day trying to talk myself out of applying.  Another moment passed and we were talking about a project I’ve been quietly working on all month that is scaring the crap out of me because it’s such a big leap. And even as we spoke, I realized I had a fire in my belly. That despite the fact that I’m scared and my left brain doesn’t believe I have the credibility or the qualifications to pull off this secret project, my right brain is all twinkly Christmas lights when I think about it.  Needless to say, my body language convinced both of these amazing women that I know what I really need to do.

I won’t be applying for the job that was forwarded to me.  Bubba got a ‘gut hit’ off of it that, while it’s a terrific position and I would do a great job at it, it’s not right for me. And twice in the last two days, I have heard the phrase “what would you do if you knew you would not fail?” – not directed at me, but in the context of other things I’ve read or seen.  Both times, I stopped and asked myself this question and sat twisting my fingers in my lap as I answered, “the secret project that scares me.” I can’t say where it will go, but I will say that I’m a little closer to leaping. Wish me luck.

5 replies
  1. chriswreckage
    chriswreckage says:

    Baby steps. I completely identify with what you've said here. It's hard to see off into the future and so difficult to take the leap (at least for some of us!). I wish you the best.

    Reply
  2. Deb Shucka
    Deb Shucka says:

    Oh,Kari, I'm so excited for you! Sending prayers and love and light to you. Looking forward to hearing about what's got you lit up, what's beckoning, what I know you will shine in, at, or for. Big love to you!

    Reply
  3. Dee
    Dee says:

    Dear Kari, like Deb, I'm excited for you. Starting something that lights a fire in one's belly is a powerful motivating to move forward.

    When I was in a similar situation I read the book "What Color Is Your Parachute." It helped me greatly. What it most helped me with was discovering just what I like to do. What satisfies me in a job. And I'm thinking that you already know that. Remember Julian of Norwich: "And all shall be well. And all shall be well. And all manner of things shall be exceedingly well." Peace.

    Reply
  4. Carrie Wilson Link
    Carrie Wilson Link says:

    I won't wish you luck, because luck is not what you need. I will wish for you that fulfill your Personal Legend. Go re-read The Alchemist again! No accidents that you heard/read that question recently! It WAS meant for you!

    Love.

    Reply

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